walking the mile

2001-11-25T00:04:00.000Z

NOTICE: THE BLOG HAS MOVED HOUSE
It's new address is http://goldenleaf.diaryland.com

GO THERE, EARTHLINGS!... teehee

2001-11-24T16:40:00.000Z

My BMI used to be... : 23.0
My BMI is now: 21.6

that's good

2001-11-24T16:17:00.000Z

ok. i did it.
i had the cheese sandwich. and it was yucky. i forgot that the cheese is processed cheese. um. not yummy. then i ate a small piece of cake, and that *was* yummy, and even though i feel guilty, i'm squashing it. if i let myself realise how bad it is, i'll need to throw up and there's nowhere i can at the moment. anyway. enough of that and my feeling guilty. it's 8:15am in the world of Elezabeth. wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup

ahh.... if she only would...

2001-11-24T14:18:00.000Z

and what more do I want? I'll tell you what I want. Pancakes! and donuts!!! mmm I love those .. and custard... and chocolate cake.. but pancakes most of all. and drop scones. but definitely pancakes. I adore those. My favourite food. shit all I can think about is food. what's wrong with me on weekends? I always seem to go food-crazy... on school college days, it's easy, cos I just get up, don't eat, get past fifth period - lunch - don't eat, or have an apple - get home at 6pm, don't eat til 8 and if I can swindle it, at all. Mostly I do eat though. By that time I'm reeeally hungry. ungweee as I like to say. ha.
take today for example. it's saturday, so I ate cereal, even though my mother was leaving to go shopping, I still continued eating even though no one was there to watch me.
what's wrong with me?!!!! I'm abnormal! no one eats breakfast! most people eat lunch, but not breakfast. i'm like the all-eating huge fat-ass fat-thigh fat-everything junk machine. my ass has asses. it's disgusting. wibble
wobble
jelly on ann

2001-11-24T14:06:00.000Z

well I lost another pound. and right now i really want a cheese toastie. mmm. it's killing me. the only thing that's stopping me from getting it is sitting here in my room typing how much i want one. I've had this craving for a week now. if my mother hadn't bought those cheese low-fat slices which I love, I'd be much better. I really would be. I'd have held onto my resolve... I ate an apple and three slices of cheese pizza yesterday...
I can't believe I'm 138!!! do I want to blow that with a measly cheese sarnie? NO! Am I strong? YES! .... so what can I do for the next three-to-four hours before Elezabeth comes online... I have no idea.. :( in four hours I'll be eating dinner anyway... and my dinner's going to be 287 calories and if I'm lucky, i can just throw it in the bin anyway... god.... this is torture... i want that cheese sandwich... i'm gonna have to eat it...
no.. i'll feel so repulsive and fat after. it's just not worth it. really is it? the self-hatred was here before the cheese sandwich was even invented. :p ok so I guess I'm going a little crazeeeee....

2001-11-23T19:04:00.000Z

Sorry I haven't been posting.. been feeling a little down lately, and sleeping all the time. I sense an ear-infection coming on..
but enough of that. I'm not quite sure what number the day is, but I do know this for sure:
I've made it past the wall....
Here's me looking at 139 pounds. I wanted a 135, but still, to make it past a wall is pretty impressive. The only thing is, my family have become obsessive about weighing me in. Luckily by the time they did tonight, I'd just had several hot drinks and so, my stomach full of liquid, I weighed a nice 140 pounds. They say the reason for my being headachy is cos I don't eat. Yeah right. I have 400 calories a day, and this week, I've had 500-600 calories!!!! How is that not eating??

A toast: to 139. Yeah baby. Short-term goal: 127. 12 pounds to go, baby :)

2001-11-20T20:02:00.000Z

Well hello. I haven't posted for a while because i've been staying at friends houses. And actually. my mother has done something awful. she was watching a programme on anorexia on a chat show and they had a real-live anorexic (ha ha, shock horror, the world has enough) and this kid was also bulimic ; and she's saying she throws out her sandwiches and she has to throw up after every meal. tough shit since I was getting up just to do the same, and my mum, she swivels round in her chair
and she locks her eyes on me
and she says
"YOU SIT RIGHT BACK DOWN." and I sit. petrified. and she walks over. she asks me if I liked the sandwiches my father made me for my dinner. and I say 'yes', full of dread now. and she cocks her head to one side and says 'but you hate pepper' and I scramble around to think of a lie other than the truth - that the sandwiches did indeed go in the bin, thanks anorexic girl on telly - and she stares at me. I grin weakly. 'I couldn't taste the pepper, but now that you mention it.. i thought I could taste it... quite strong, really..'
and guess who didn't put any pepper in the sandwiches.
how cryptic, leave me alone, leave me alone. I've put on a few pounds these past few days, I can feel it. now that my mother's on to me, I need to work extra hard. let's look out for tomorrow. I'll weigh myself and then the War will begin. I won't lose.
NO WAY.

2001-11-17T15:21:00.000Z

Today I have binged beyond belief. So I am making the decision to not weigh myself until Friday. I know, it's hardly going to be easy, since it's religion for me, but I don't want to see my backward progress. Instead, I'm going to work hard at this body for the second week of this life of mine. This means, yes, regular posts - you can't live without, hehe - updating my links, sitting down and working out a proper work-out routine - a realistic one - plus ways to improve it every three days.
Yes, I know today I have failed. But today showed me how bad I can get, how low I can go. In truth, I could go lower than this. I could eat chocolate bars and sweets and have jam on toast and donuts and pancakes and apple pie and cakes and icecreams.. I haven't done any of that. Sigh. Ok, this is how bad I've been.
Breakfast, as previously recorded.
100 cals worth of chewy corn things.
An egg in a breadbun... yes, an egg sandwich.

oh. and the garnish?
3 laxatives.

now that you're thoroughly disgusted at me, and so am I, I'm going to do some study and then work out the things I said I'd work out. But please at least be proud of me for not being too bad on a bad day. everyone has bad days. it helps you appreciate the good days. still not going to weigh myself til Friday, though, and I'm hoping for a 137 then.

2001-11-17T11:30:00.000Z

Day Seven, weight = 140 pounds.

Stalemate. Decided to have my calories in reverse order today, in the morning instead of evening. Had a bowl of low-fat cereal for 187 calories, go me :). . . then felt exceptionally weird, just full of self-loathing so much I actually wanted to cut myself or do something drastic, and I've been like that before, but so long ago. it freaked me out, i had to really calm myself down, anyway ended up taking 2 laxatives... *sigh* joy, as long as I don't do it often, I'll be ok.

2001-11-16T20:32:00.000Z

Total calories eaten today:
vegetable ravioli: 160
carrots, canned: 20

Yeah baby, 180. I'm not purging that, and I'm going to do 200 sit-ups, then relax. I'm so tired tonight. I was almost asleep at 3pm, then I had a diet pepsi - 0.13 cals, lol - and it really woke me up, all those bubbles, urgh, usually I'm against coke but when tea is 60 calories, it's 60 calories too many. is it sixty or ninety cals? anyway, still bad... so I keep drinking diet coke... had 1.6 calories now lol. Happy happy bubbles . :) Oh and I had a stack of cucumber too. i think I'm hyper on coke, lol, it happens, but I just hope I'm 139 tomorrow, but I'm probably not, though it'd be sweeeeeet... and I'm just too happy for a fat girl. Oh so what, dahlink,

fat girls can be happy too! :)

2001-11-16T12:43:00.000Z

Day 6, Weight = 140
No gain nor loss. Strange sense of being cornered. I always have walls, usually my wall is 144, but this time I went past that. What's the new wall? 140? I always have to fast to get past them - how can I fast on a weekend? I think I'll have to purge or do a lot of exercise. And exercising yesterday had absolutely no effect.
Just threw some sandwiches out that my father made for me - on my request, last night, to stop them worrying unnecessarily - and am about to go on a long walk, for no reason other than to walk, and why not? My next friday, I want to be 135 pounds - I know, 5 pounds in a week, it's quite a lot, but I've managed it this week. It's easy to begin with. It will get harder. But 135 pounds sounds sooo nice.. :)
Take a look at the joint blog with Lezi and me, she's just done a new layout and it looks absolutely gorgeous. And a barbie doll. How more appropriate could you be? The darkness surrounding the doll is just soo symbolic.. in other words, god darn it, it's really really purdeee.
I'm supposed to be meeting up with a friend - a guy - tomorrow, to go out for a meal or to the cinema, but a) he thinks I like him and I don't, b) he's older than me, by about 5 years, c) I'm really being selfish at the moment, I don't want to be with anyone in a relationship. I have ana. and Lezi :) heeh, I have all the friends I need, why do i have to complicate things with a guy?

2001-11-15T21:12:00.000Z

It's evening... I've had a total of 559 calories tonight, in a small dinner with a disasterously-high-in-calories vegetable slice pastry. Anyway, I went and did some powerwalking in the freezing cold night air of Yorkshire, England, for 50 minutes and, according to this 'cooltool' on the health and fitness part of the bbc website, burned off 450 calories! So all's well. I barely have any strength - it's because my mother's gone to bed early and when she does that, my inner child yawns, stretches and says 'ok, mummy's gone to bed, now time for beddy-byes' awwwwwww.. hehe. I'll just do 100 sit-ups like usual, then crawl into bed and dread facing the scales after eating so many calories tonight. I'm hoping I can sleep some of them off. But surely it's not that easy, right? If I've gained tomorrow... aargh... doesn't bear thinking about, really.

Oh god! how fat will I be? Let me stay 140. Don't let me gain. Please? Please?!

2001-11-15T12:40:00.000Z

This is Day Five, Weight = 140 pounds.

I will update later.. but ... aren't I doing well? Lost 6 pounds so far :) whoopee :)

2001-11-14T19:39:00.000Z

Btw, this is Day Four, my Weight = 141 pounds
...
and i've just purged... urgh... cleaning my teeth again...

2001-11-14T19:32:00.000Z

When I said purging, I wasn't serious, just desparate. I didn't believe I'd actually do it. I've never purged before.
I did it.
Can you believe it?
I didn't stick 2 fingers down my throat, I used the other method of squeezing my stomach or small intestine or whatever. Most of my food had already disgested by that point, I got about a fifth of it up and into the, ah, porcelain god.
Can you believe I've purged? Can you believe this? I can't. I knew it was inevitable. But I never knew... I didn't think I'd stoop..

2001-11-14T19:07:00.000Z

I didn't eat anything today and then came home and my father put a plate of mashed potato, peas, carrots and 2 quorn mini-sausages down in front of me, with gravy. Then I went on caloriecounter.org trying to find the calories for these things... and got distracted by a dietpills thingy.. still surfing on that.. godamn my attention span ! hehe. still happy from the weight loss though.. just hope the aforementioned meal doesn't damage it too much.

Anyway, calorie total coming up, I can't stand this, I hope it's not too bad
Carrots, 5 slices of, canned: 15
Potatoes w/ semiskimmed-milk: 123
Peas, 13, canned: 38.3
where do I find the calories for the sausages? on the box.. in the freezer.. but they'll see me looking - oh craporama. what the hell to do... I'm gonna have to go out there.. ok... here goes..

... oh my god, quorn, they're 88 calories per sausage. Oh my god I can't believe this. That's so many. Oh my god!!
Total - oh my god how bad can it be: 352.3..

Oh my god. I'm sitting here crying now. I can't believe this. I was tricked. They tricked me!!!! Bastards!!!!! I hate them.. feel like purging....

2001-11-14T12:49:00.000Z

"The "waif" look actually came in vogue during the 1960's with the appearance of Twiggy. Designers prefer models between sizes 2-4 because their clothes drape on them as it would on a hanger. because of this, most designer clothes are only available in sizes 0-6. If an actress or model wants to wear a designer dress they must fit into the dress, as they only go to size 4 on average. it is these same actresses and models that the average woman is compared to, and held up to be an example of "what a woman should look like". so get over it." - Inspiration wow... well said girlfriend. whoopee! I adore this girl!!!

2001-11-13T18:51:00.000Z

It's going well today, I have this friend who pretends she's anorexic, that is, she moans on about how hungry she is and doesn't eat lunch. Then spoils the whole thing by having a chocolate croissant or something. Like what's the point, fatso.. *snigger* that's unkind, and untrue. she's cute and we all gotta love her, even if she annoys us with her attention-seeking ploys. This afternoon, we went to the supermarket across the road from sixth form college, and she was saying how she was being 'good' now and eating better. She hasn't even been in hospital with this supposed ed or got skinny arms or anything. She is normal. If she was like 55 pounds underweight I'd be really stressing and worried. But she's not. Anyway I was just smiling the whole time, really smug like, cos I knew I hadn't eaten since Sunday and I wasn't that hungry either. Just thirsty.
I've been telling everyone all day that I feel sick, and that I had been sick, and I've said it so much I kind of believe it now. It's weird. I know I'm fine, my body knows it's fine, but this repeated phrase of sickness has implanted itself in my mind, plus I'm pale today, with red lips - I thought I looked kinda cool, actually. It's just cos I'm tired, and the temperature was in the minus today, even on the bus, my breath showed up. brrrrr!
Don't forget to check out the joint blog.. :) if you're here at all...

2001-11-13T11:28:00.000Z

Day 3, w: unknown.. :(

Just started a joint blog with Elezabeth on diaryland.com, it's linked on the left so go have a look.. Elezabeth set it up for us to do this together, all llbs, all ed issues, everything. I think it's a cool idea anyhow, I don't like being alone. So thanks, Elezabeth - we love ya.. :)
Didn't manage to weigh self today, as sister was in the kitchen where my mother has moved the scales before i'd even got down there, and I got up extra early. that's two days - I estimated my weight yesterday, when I hate myself I always add a pound on, mentally. Unless I'm being ridiculous and I tell my parents over and over that I'm so fat... but they laugh with me anyway. maybe they do think I'm fat and laugh pityingly. I think they do. Damn. :(
Anyways. I'm really hoping I'm 146 or even - 145. Though I doubt it. But it'd be sweeeeet if I was. :)

2001-11-12T20:09:00.000Z

I waited for the evening cravings, and boy have they arrived, only an hour ago I wans't hungry. Now I am famished. I keep trying to convince myself that having a bowl of soup - vegetarian soup - will be fine for me, it being only 45 calories. It sounds fine. But I am fasting. I am also hungry. I hate being hungry. Having said that, I've been hungry all day, it's nothing new, so why care now, you weak piece of shit? Everyone loses a little determination for a minute. Get over it and go do some sit-ups. You worthless piece of junk. And don't eat!!! Moron!

2001-11-12T19:09:00.000Z

well the fast is going well... not eaten yet, just started drinking lots of hot water and now my hunger has vanished. almost time to do some sit-ups. ahhh.... I hope I'm 146 by tomorrow or I'll cry, what the hell is going on with this??

2001-11-12T11:02:00.000Z

Day 2 : weight: 147 pounds
so much for 'here we go', actually gained a pound. oh well. fast will work.

2001-11-11T22:12:00.000Z

alrrrrright... we got ourselves a guestbook at the bottom of the page. sign it if you're here now! off to bed... finished too many sit-ups... ouch :(

2001-11-11T21:17:00.000Z

Doing some sit-ups, or as they're widely known, stomach crunches. In total, only managed 120 today... must do more, must do more...

2001-11-11T20:34:00.000Z

Just binged on four slices of pizza, about 800 calories in total (low fat cheese pizza.) I am now anxious to bein my fast, more than ever. I am not going to make myself sick, although I have a huge urge to. I've had, in total, 1140 calories.. gutted. :( lucky for me it was home made - my dad doesn't use any grease that you get from supermarkets. . . oh well... go do some homework.. :(

2001-11-11T17:07:00.000Z

Didn't get chance to weigh myself. Oh well. Just have to hope for tomorrow. I can't believe a cup of tea has 60 calories. A tiny bit of milk and a spoonful of sugar. What's that? I am away from home tomorrow anyway, so I can fast for 42 hours, and if I can act a stomach ache, for 54 hours. That'll make me happy :) I know I'll get really really hungry, but if I sneak off somewhere whilst everyone else is getting drunk tomorrow night, I can do some sit-ups and make my stomach hurt, banishing hunger. What do you think?

Must get a guest-book on this thing. let's try bravenet.

2001-11-11T13:49:00.000Z

just going to see if I can check myself on the scales. my mother moved them to the kitchen - public wieghing - yey!.... wish me luck... might get a cuppa while I'm down there, at only 60 calories.

2001-11-11T13:27:00.000Z

Day One - weight: 146 pounds

This is my first pro-ana blog. I have another blog, my mainstream one, which my friends read, and they pretend to care so much about me that lately, when I mentioned my starving periods, they got worried, I told them not to care but they do anyway. I think it's 'real nice, huh huh huh'. This blog accepts that perhaps anorexia is an illness, for some, if they think it is, if they like to see it as something that controls them. I know that's not the case, at least for me.
All I know is I have a desparate urge to be thin. I am 5"7 and have no right to be this chubby. I'm jumping on the pro-ana bandwagon, whoopee, click on the links on the left which will take you to places of heaven, where girls weigh 80 pounds and are really nice people. Ok. I've had 340 calories so far, done 100-sit ups and I reckon I'll do another hundred later. My body thinks I can do it, my mind thinks I can, but my stomach muscles disagree.. I was doing them last night to that delerium song - silence, with sarah m - really going for it, and my mother came up the stairs... she's always thought I was a little weird with not eating when I was 11 (I used to weigh a stone less than my friends, now I'm average compared with them. But they look alright, they're tall enough to take it.) But now... it's all systems go. I want to see 100 on those bathroom scales by February 1st, 2002.

Here we go...