NOTICE: THE BLOG HAS MOVED HOUSE
It's new address is http://goldenleaf.diaryland.com

GO THERE, EARTHLINGS!... teehee

My BMI used to be... : 23.0
My BMI is now: 21.6

that's good

ok. i did it.
i had the cheese sandwich. and it was yucky. i forgot that the cheese is processed cheese. um. not yummy. then i ate a small piece of cake, and that *was* yummy, and even though i feel guilty, i'm squashing it. if i let myself realise how bad it is, i'll need to throw up and there's nowhere i can at the moment. anyway. enough of that and my feeling guilty. it's 8:15am in the world of Elezabeth. wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup

ahh.... if she only would...

and what more do I want? I'll tell you what I want. Pancakes! and donuts!!! mmm I love those .. and custard... and chocolate cake.. but pancakes most of all. and drop scones. but definitely pancakes. I adore those. My favourite food. shit all I can think about is food. what's wrong with me on weekends? I always seem to go food-crazy... on school college days, it's easy, cos I just get up, don't eat, get past fifth period - lunch - don't eat, or have an apple - get home at 6pm, don't eat til 8 and if I can swindle it, at all. Mostly I do eat though. By that time I'm reeeally hungry. ungweee as I like to say. ha.
take today for example. it's saturday, so I ate cereal, even though my mother was leaving to go shopping, I still continued eating even though no one was there to watch me.
what's wrong with me?!!!! I'm abnormal! no one eats breakfast! most people eat lunch, but not breakfast. i'm like the all-eating huge fat-ass fat-thigh fat-everything junk machine. my ass has asses. it's disgusting. wibble
wobble
jelly on ann

well I lost another pound. and right now i really want a cheese toastie. mmm. it's killing me. the only thing that's stopping me from getting it is sitting here in my room typing how much i want one. I've had this craving for a week now. if my mother hadn't bought those cheese low-fat slices which I love, I'd be much better. I really would be. I'd have held onto my resolve... I ate an apple and three slices of cheese pizza yesterday...
I can't believe I'm 138!!! do I want to blow that with a measly cheese sarnie? NO! Am I strong? YES! .... so what can I do for the next three-to-four hours before Elezabeth comes online... I have no idea.. :( in four hours I'll be eating dinner anyway... and my dinner's going to be 287 calories and if I'm lucky, i can just throw it in the bin anyway... god.... this is torture... i want that cheese sandwich... i'm gonna have to eat it...
no.. i'll feel so repulsive and fat after. it's just not worth it. really is it? the self-hatred was here before the cheese sandwich was even invented. :p ok so I guess I'm going a little crazeeeee....

Sorry I haven't been posting.. been feeling a little down lately, and sleeping all the time. I sense an ear-infection coming on..
but enough of that. I'm not quite sure what number the day is, but I do know this for sure:
I've made it past the wall....
Here's me looking at 139 pounds. I wanted a 135, but still, to make it past a wall is pretty impressive. The only thing is, my family have become obsessive about weighing me in. Luckily by the time they did tonight, I'd just had several hot drinks and so, my stomach full of liquid, I weighed a nice 140 pounds. They say the reason for my being headachy is cos I don't eat. Yeah right. I have 400 calories a day, and this week, I've had 500-600 calories!!!! How is that not eating??

A toast: to 139. Yeah baby. Short-term goal: 127. 12 pounds to go, baby :)

Well hello. I haven't posted for a while because i've been staying at friends houses. And actually. my mother has done something awful. she was watching a programme on anorexia on a chat show and they had a real-live anorexic (ha ha, shock horror, the world has enough) and this kid was also bulimic ; and she's saying she throws out her sandwiches and she has to throw up after every meal. tough shit since I was getting up just to do the same, and my mum, she swivels round in her chair
and she locks her eyes on me
and she says
"YOU SIT RIGHT BACK DOWN." and I sit. petrified. and she walks over. she asks me if I liked the sandwiches my father made me for my dinner. and I say 'yes', full of dread now. and she cocks her head to one side and says 'but you hate pepper' and I scramble around to think of a lie other than the truth - that the sandwiches did indeed go in the bin, thanks anorexic girl on telly - and she stares at me. I grin weakly. 'I couldn't taste the pepper, but now that you mention it.. i thought I could taste it... quite strong, really..'
and guess who didn't put any pepper in the sandwiches.
how cryptic, leave me alone, leave me alone. I've put on a few pounds these past few days, I can feel it. now that my mother's on to me, I need to work extra hard. let's look out for tomorrow. I'll weigh myself and then the War will begin. I won't lose.
NO WAY.

Today I have binged beyond belief. So I am making the decision to not weigh myself until Friday. I know, it's hardly going to be easy, since it's religion for me, but I don't want to see my backward progress. Instead, I'm going to work hard at this body for the second week of this life of mine. This means, yes, regular posts - you can't live without, hehe - updating my links, sitting down and working out a proper work-out routine - a realistic one - plus ways to improve it every three days.
Yes, I know today I have failed. But today showed me how bad I can get, how low I can go. In truth, I could go lower than this. I could eat chocolate bars and sweets and have jam on toast and donuts and pancakes and apple pie and cakes and icecreams.. I haven't done any of that. Sigh. Ok, this is how bad I've been.
Breakfast, as previously recorded.
100 cals worth of chewy corn things.
An egg in a breadbun... yes, an egg sandwich.

oh. and the garnish?
3 laxatives.

now that you're thoroughly disgusted at me, and so am I, I'm going to do some study and then work out the things I said I'd work out. But please at least be proud of me for not being too bad on a bad day. everyone has bad days. it helps you appreciate the good days. still not going to weigh myself til Friday, though, and I'm hoping for a 137 then.

Day Seven, weight = 140 pounds.

Stalemate. Decided to have my calories in reverse order today, in the morning instead of evening. Had a bowl of low-fat cereal for 187 calories, go me :). . . then felt exceptionally weird, just full of self-loathing so much I actually wanted to cut myself or do something drastic, and I've been like that before, but so long ago. it freaked me out, i had to really calm myself down, anyway ended up taking 2 laxatives... *sigh* joy, as long as I don't do it often, I'll be ok.

Total calories eaten today:
vegetable ravioli: 160
carrots, canned: 20

Yeah baby, 180. I'm not purging that, and I'm going to do 200 sit-ups, then relax. I'm so tired tonight. I was almost asleep at 3pm, then I had a diet pepsi - 0.13 cals, lol - and it really woke me up, all those bubbles, urgh, usually I'm against coke but when tea is 60 calories, it's 60 calories too many. is it sixty or ninety cals? anyway, still bad... so I keep drinking diet coke... had 1.6 calories now lol. Happy happy bubbles . :) Oh and I had a stack of cucumber too. i think I'm hyper on coke, lol, it happens, but I just hope I'm 139 tomorrow, but I'm probably not, though it'd be sweeeeeet... and I'm just too happy for a fat girl. Oh so what, dahlink,

fat girls can be happy too! :)

Day 6, Weight = 140
No gain nor loss. Strange sense of being cornered. I always have walls, usually my wall is 144, but this time I went past that. What's the new wall? 140? I always have to fast to get past them - how can I fast on a weekend? I think I'll have to purge or do a lot of exercise. And exercising yesterday had absolutely no effect.
Just threw some sandwiches out that my father made for me - on my request, last night, to stop them worrying unnecessarily - and am about to go on a long walk, for no reason other than to walk, and why not? My next friday, I want to be 135 pounds - I know, 5 pounds in a week, it's quite a lot, but I've managed it this week. It's easy to begin with. It will get harder. But 135 pounds sounds sooo nice.. :)
Take a look at the joint blog with Lezi and me, she's just done a new layout and it looks absolutely gorgeous. And a barbie doll. How more appropriate could you be? The darkness surrounding the doll is just soo symbolic.. in other words, god darn it, it's really really purdeee.
I'm supposed to be meeting up with a friend - a guy - tomorrow, to go out for a meal or to the cinema, but a) he thinks I like him and I don't, b) he's older than me, by about 5 years, c) I'm really being selfish at the moment, I don't want to be with anyone in a relationship. I have ana. and Lezi :) heeh, I have all the friends I need, why do i have to complicate things with a guy?

It's evening... I've had a total of 559 calories tonight, in a small dinner with a disasterously-high-in-calories vegetable slice pastry. Anyway, I went and did some powerwalking in the freezing cold night air of Yorkshire, England, for 50 minutes and, according to this 'cooltool' on the health and fitness part of the bbc website, burned off 450 calories! So all's well. I barely have any strength - it's because my mother's gone to bed early and when she does that, my inner child yawns, stretches and says 'ok, mummy's gone to bed, now time for beddy-byes' awwwwwww.. hehe. I'll just do 100 sit-ups like usual, then crawl into bed and dread facing the scales after eating so many calories tonight. I'm hoping I can sleep some of them off. But surely it's not that easy, right? If I've gained tomorrow... aargh... doesn't bear thinking about, really.

Oh god! how fat will I be? Let me stay 140. Don't let me gain. Please? Please?!

This is Day Five, Weight = 140 pounds.

I will update later.. but ... aren't I doing well? Lost 6 pounds so far :) whoopee :)